And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
