I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have feelings that need drinking.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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