I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
did you just send me my own nude
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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