Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
