Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Randomize
