I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
