I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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