WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
