Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
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