My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
