it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
he was CRYING into my vagina
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
