I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
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