the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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