just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
