Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
