I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
