i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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