We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
