I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
