I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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