Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I need moral support for this bender
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
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