everyone is single if you try hard enough
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
