false alarm. still invincible.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
