im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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