i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
as a side note pls kill me
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