I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
accomplished twins. life is a go
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
