I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
