I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
