Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
