We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
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