And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
