woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
