She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
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I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
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I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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