rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
