I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
