i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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