his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
