Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
