My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
