the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
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