Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
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yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
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We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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