shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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