Me too!
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
