so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
