also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
