Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
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