im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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