Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
