You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
