we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
