im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy