I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
