It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
The power of my boobs compel you
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
