If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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